Stop Whining… NOW There is linear, Socratic logic, and there is everything else.  "Everything else" constitutes subjective abstracts like intuition, opinion, randomness and others.  Everything else has its place in the world, certainly, as has been proven time and again. Generally speaking, when logic fails, we turn to everything else for answers.  But most sane citizens of the USA would universally concur that logic is the first step. The first process wielded whenever decisions must be effectively rendered.  This dialogical method of inquiry, oftentimes negative, is an age-old means by which to, in a plodding, stepped manner, arrive at an answer to a question. Today we face many difficult questions that can only be effectively answered using cold, objective reasoning logic. No amount of subjective opinion can yield effective answers.  But this essay exists not merely to remind you about the value, the necessity, of applying logical processes to all decision making, but to continue beyond the answer into action.  Question: "Is it going to rain tomorrow during the baseball game?" Answer: "Weather.com tells me the precipitation is probable."  Optional Action 1: Whine about the crappy weather and how it always ruins your good time. Optional Action 2: Dress appropriately, sporting a raincoat and bearing an umbrella. Optional Action 3: Scalp your tickets and stay home where you'll be nice and dry and watch the game on television. Obviously there are many other potential actions that could be taken, but these summarize the basics effectively. Many of you may be thinking "Well, that is a pointless paragraph. Obviously action 2 or 3 are what I would do…" Yet, as is demonstrated constantly everywhere from water cooler chats, to the nightly news, to emails shuttled between friends and colleagues, the first option- merely whining- is more often than not the preferred course pursued. It is more often than not the easiest course of action and, in some perverse way, at least at the moment, can generate the most satisfaction. Albeit a vicarious and fleeting form of satisfaction, as opposed to the hard-won, lasting and genuine satisfaction that is often derived from relevant action.  Fellow Americans, I implore you to be logical. Don't rely overly much on the vagaries of opinion or intuition. Reserve those means only when good ole' fashioned logic can't carry you through to a hard conclusion. They're your backup- nothing more and nothing less. And hopefully, in those few instances where pure logic alone is inadequate to the analytical task at hand, you can apply tools of intuition and their ilk in an augmenting role. Still primarily applying logic, and only supplementing the few vague Socratic steps with intuition or other subjective processes.  Furthermore, I beg of, STOP WHINING. Whining is useless. When you whine you do nothing more than breathe my air, air best used for other more productive purposes. For example: Question: "Is the war in Iraq immoral and wrong and inept?" Answer: "Yes." Action 1: Whine about our elected leaders, their poor decision-making skills and disregard for another nation's sovereignty. Action 2: Actively contribute to the anti-war movement with your time, money and/or energy.  "But Paul," you might exclaim "I'm not whining, I'm just explaining my position to others, actively trying to help nudge the mass of public opinion in the logical, anti-war direction." Beware, eager reader, for you are riding a path that is mere inches from lowly piteous, juvenile whining. Certainly you could construe your rant as being a manifestation of the second action cited immediately above, but unless you're addressing a fairly massive audience, or trying to help a potent, illogical community leader of your position, you are probably just whining. Sorry. But it's true. You're taking the easy road out.  How Do I Stop Whining? This is very easy.  Pick the few topics that you tend to whine about most often. Your kids that don't listen, your elected officials- and pick a specific level of government- that spend your tax money ineptly, your parent that constantly pesters you about your failures in life, whatever it may be, pick it and convey to your closest friends and family that you're hellbound to cease whining about it. These folks will relish the opportunity to help you modify your behavior. Because, though they may never admit it to anybody, including themselves, they're sick and tired of hearing you whine about it. Guaranteed. Having determined the topics you're going to cull from your long list of whinings, pick a somewhat painful behavior that you must fulfill upon a friend/family member catching you in an act of whining. Ideally this behavior should be something that also represents a meaningful action in response to whatever it is you're whining about. Here are some examples: Whining: "I just Bush would stop wasting money on that useless war in Iraq" Punishment: You must immediately contribute $50 to the Democratic Party.  Of course the amount should be determined based on your income. Citizens with six figure incomes, for instance, should ante up at least $500 for each offense. And if you already know who you're hoping will defeat President Bush in '04, then you could also have originally opted to send each donation directly to the competitor you support. This is a great example because not only does sending that money hurt you- and it has to really hurt for this to work, ¢.50 doesn't hurt anybody enough to count, for instance- but because donating money to a group that works to oust the source of your whining is a meaningful action unto itself. And it must be immediate. You have to feel the pain the moment you err. Whether handing a fistful of cash to your witness, and asking them to email you the receipt after they've donated it to the proper authorities, or, from your cell phone, paypaling the monies directly to the cause itself it must take place right at the point of your whining. This is for the same reason you don't punish your dog 3 hours after he decided to pee on your golf clubs in front of you. You do it right then. So the dog can associate peeing on your clubs with punishment. Generally speaking this works for dogs and humans with equal veracity. Whining: "My damn kids never listen to me."  Punishment: 20 push ups.  I was introduced to this concept by my wise uncle recently. He was becoming irritated over a particular, learned, preventable speech habit of mine. Granted, doing push ups won't make it so suddenly your kids will listen to you, but at least you'll start to break the habit of wasting your friends' time with your whining, while adding a little much-needed muscle-tone to your otherwise probably flabby pectoral muscles.  And the friends/family you recruit to help you out with this endeavor- presumably those that love you so much they have been willing to listen to your redundant whining over the years- will jump in with all fours. If you asked a friend "But John, do I whine about my damn kids too much?" unless he's in a foul mood, he's almost always going to answer in the negative. Something like "No, Tom, I hear you, man. My kids don't listen to me either. It's cool." Based on that semi-honest answer, you might be misled into thinking you don't whine about your kids too much. WRONG. You do, it's just that John is a dear friend and so suffers through your interminable whining silently. But, mark my words, if you say "John, I read this really insightful essay the other day on whining. I think I whine about my kids too much, especially to you. If I do it again, please just say "Give me 20" and I'll drop to the ground and bust out 20 push-ups." Now, John might tell you "Nah, man, don't worry about it." But chances are, you'll see a grin form, and he'll unhesitatingly assure you that he's here for you. That he'll definitely check you anytime you start to whine about your kids. Ever so often a particularly sensitive friend or family member might offer up some token resistance to the contract you're proposing. John could opt to initially reply "No, man, I really don't mind you letting off a little steam about your kids. Dude, I've been there. I know what you're going through. It's all good." The operative word in that false sentiment is "…really…" That's his way of politely, gently saying "I do mind, but I care for you enough to tolerate your whining because its not that big a deal, I've been doing it for years now, and don't want to inadvertently offend you by immediately agreeing to this bizarre contract you're proposing."  In the former case, you're not only helping cure yourself of the national disease of whining, but the process of curing yourself is actually a meaningful action you're taking to help alleviate the source of your whining. Of course, that is optimal. But many times, like in the latter example, there is no easy, binary way to help alleviate the source of your whining. Your kids are going to keep not listening to you no matter how many push-ups you do. However, your pecs will tighten up- a non-negative result at worst- and by curbing your tendency to whine you will simultaneously find yourself better incented to take meaningful action. Each time you waste John's time with your whining, at least subliminally, you walk away feeling like you're accomplished something. But you haven't accomplished anything more than breathing my air and wasting John's time. And worse, by being misled into thinking you've done something, you're less apt to pursue truly meaningful actions. Your whining can actually delay- perhaps indefinitely- real, meaningful action in you.  A Whineless Persona The results of this program will be manifold, on both an individual level and collective societal level. You will fell better about yourself. You will accomplish more. And you will cease to bore loved ones with useless prattle. The only real downside is that you will probably be compelled to suggest whining friends and acquaintances of yours adopt this process. Beware, many people treasure this attribute in themselves. They hug it close like an old favorite stuffed animal. They might never admit to this fact, but for many it is a fact. So it is recommended you do no more than to relate the success you've experienced with this simple process and count on them taking the hint, provided they genuinely want to modify their droll behavior, or completely, probably unconsciously dismissing the notion if they're from the legions of weaklings that embrace and secretly adore that which they whine about incessantly.

No, I am not the famed film director. Though aspiring actresses are welcome to contact me.